


Texts From Last Night

by Naomida



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Fantastic Four, Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, F/M, Ficlet Collection, M/M, Multi, Texting, Texts From Last Night
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-04-26 09:36:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 44
Words: 8,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4999783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naomida/pseuds/Naomida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint has sex in front of his dog, Tony drunk texts the whole world, America is done with Kate's BS, Hunter's life is a mess, Mack gets a cat, you don't mess with Natasha and Bobbie, Bob is trying to score, Wade is eating Mexican, Peter is trying to find a boyfriend and everyone is getting really drunk and having a lot of sex.</p><p> </p><p>Or, how I spent an afternoon reading Texts From Last Night and decided to write about it.<br/>The first line of each ficlet is from TFLN, the rest is mine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Some guy named Bunky

to Steve: Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky

to Sam: HIS NAME IS BUCKY!!!!  
to Sam: Also, how do you even know about that?  
to Sam: AND WHEN DID YOU COME BCK???

to Steve: Natasha called me. I arrived exactly nine minutes ago  
to Steve: Nine minutes back home, and you're already fucking up and ending in jail for some guy.  
to Steve: Steve…

to Sam: He's not just some guy, he's my childhood best friend !

to Steve: Steve……

to Sam: SAM !!!  
to Sam: I SWEAR SAM IF YOU THROW ME ANOTHER INTERVENTION I AM MOVING OUT OF OUR APPARTMENT!!!  
to Sam: I AM NOT KIDDING SAM!  
to Sam: Okay, the cops are here, they're handcuffing Bucky, I gotta go

to Steve: STEVE NO!!!!!  
to Steve: God damn it Steve!


	2. Duracel

to Rhodey : There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...

to Tony : I get it, you miss Steve and he's the love of your life blah blah blah. Just apologize already, it's been THREE FUCKING YEARS

to Rhodey : I can't :(

to Tony: You do know he's back in the US, right?

to Rhodey: SHUT UP

to Tony: Just fucking apologize already and go back to having sex with him 24/7/365

to Rhodey: I don't think he'll ever forgive me…

to Tony: u____u'  
to Tony: Quit being a pathetic bitch and JUST. TEXT. HIM!

to Rhodey: Whatever. It's not like I ever needed you as a BFF anyway

to Tony: We'll see next time you get so drunk you forget it's your reflection in the mirror and start crying cause you don't flirt back


	3. Don't disturb the dog

to America : His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic

to Kate : WAIT YOU SAID YES ???

to America : I'M A HORNY TWENTY SOMETHING Y/O GIRL OKAY !!!!

to Kate : You need to reevaluate your life. And dump that guy

to America : but he has a nice dick :(((((

to Kate : and doesn't mind fucking you with it next to his dog ?

to America : good point.  
to America : will you buy me something to replace his dick if I dump him ?

to Kate : do I have a choice ?

to America : :)


	4. Taco Bell with the dog

to Tony: I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.

to Clint: that's what you get for fucking people while the dog is still on the bed  
to Clint: you fucking weirdo

to Tony: I know you did cocaine on a dick once, so don't pretend to have your shit together

to Clint: you're just jealous of my accomplishment  
to Clint: it was good cocaine and a good dick  
to Clint: and it's still WAAAAAY better than having sex with a dog watching me

to Tony: Have you texted Steve yet?

to Clint: I FUCKING HATE YOU


	5. Overwhelming boner ability and reasonably-priced receptacle

to Steve: BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BBONER ABILITY

to Tony: Who is that?

to Steve: IT'S LIKE MY DICK AND I CAN'T BREATH WITHOUT YOU NEXT TO US

to Tony: Oh my god, Tony? Is that you?

to Steve: WE MISS YOU SO MUCH  
to Steve: WE MISS YOUR HANDS AND YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR DICK AND YOUR EYES AND YOUR SMILE AND THE WAY YOU SMELL

to Tony: You're more than probably drunk so I'm going to ignore your texts. Please, drink water and go lie down for a bit.

 

 

***

 

 

to Steve: I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.   
to Steve: And I'm sorry I drunk texted you, talking about boners and stuff.  
to Steve: I get it if you never want to hear about me ever again.  
to Steve: I shouldn't have texted you in the first place.  
to Steve: It was stupid, I shouldn't have listened to Rhodey.  
to Steve: Sorry…

to Tony: No, it's okay!  
to Tony: I'm actually glad you texted me first  
to Tony: I wanted to, but I didn't know what to say  
to Tony: I guess what I'm trying to say is that I missed you too Tony

to Steve: I'm free this week-end, would you want to go out for coffee?  
to Steve: Or lunch?  
to Steve: Anything you want  
to Steve: It's all very casual, obviously

to Tony: Yes to coffee

to Steve: 2pm, usual place?

to Tony: Okay

to Steve: Good

to Tony: See you

to Steve: See you too


	6. Death cry singing

to Ben : If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.

to Reed : m surprised it took u so long to send me dis text.

to Ben : ??

to Reed : updating ur facebook status with celine dion quotes every 40secs usually is the only indicator I need that sue has broken up with you again  
to Reed : and I know you love singing her songs in dat case

to Ben : SHE'S LEAVING ME FOR NAMOR !!!!  
to Ben : FUCKING NAMOR !!!!!!  
to Ben : I want to die.

to Reed : i'm at 7/11, want ice cream sandwich ?

to Ben : Please.

 

***

 

to Ben : Do you think it is the hair ?  
to Ben : It probably is.  
to Ben : Namor and his fucking attractive hair…

to Reed : i'm almost home, plz stop

to Ben : Maybe I should try rocking the hawaiian surfer look like him ?  
to Ben : And the bitchy eyebrows ?

to Reed : istg shut up or i'm going to sue's and giving the ice cream to her instead.

to Ben : 3  
to Ben : :'(  
to Ben : D:

to Reed : …

to Ben : Okay I'm done, bring the ice cream and let's watch The Notebook.

to Reed : i gotcha


	7. What any rational woman does

to Natasha: He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.

to Bobbi: Been there, done that.  
to Bobbi: He's good, btw. In case you were wondering.

to Natasha: As long as I don't hear him tell me that we can have sex next to his dog, I'm good.

to Bobbi: I don't think he has a dog. He's a redhead though.

to Natasha: You're a readhead

to Bobbi: Yeah, but I'm really hot. He's just got a nice butt.

to Natasha : Size ?

to Bobbi: Just above average.

to Natasha: I can work with that. Especially after Clint.

to Bobbi: :)  
to Bobbi: I can help you with the getting high part btw

to Natasha: I thought you'd never ask


	8. Sleeping dog

to America: Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo

to Kate : I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T SEEING HIM ANYMORE!!!

to America : Fun story : turned out he had a fiancée, who caught us, dumped his ass, fucked his brother, and now I guess I'm his official girlfriend ?  
to America : Idk tbh, I was just very horny last night after watching Shameless

to Kate: You really got a problem, girl

to America: I know, that's what my therapist says all the time :(


	9. Hulk penis

to Pepper: So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?

to Betty: You could always call him. Or send him a pic

to Pepper: Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting ?

to Betty: If we're both talking about your boobs then yes, I am

to Pepper: But… this is /Bruce/. He'll probably have a heart attack

to Betty: Or a boner

to Pepper: You know what ? You're right ! If a man with a penis that large isn't able to handle receiving a photo of my boobs the day after our first date then maybe he's not for me

to Betty: You forgot to say that you guys had sex in the backseat of his car, that was parked behind a Taco Bell, during said first date.

to Pepper: Oh my god… it sounds so terrible said like that…  
to Pepper: What's the best angle to take boobs photos ?

to Betty: Frontal

to Pepper: Thanks :)


	10. Clean cut ginger

to Natasha: If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.

to Bobbi: Are you talking about Barney?

to Natasha: Yes

to Bobbi: Shut up!  
to Bobbi: I didn't know you were that far with him

to Natasha: Apparently he is in a 'fuck yo Clint' phase and totally down to fuck with me so yeah, I'd appreciate it if you could be discreet when coming home

to Bobbi: Or I could leave the apartment, so you're sure to not be disturbed? ;)

to Natasha: You're the best ;)


	11. In her shoes

to Natasha: So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.

to Bobbi: ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BARNEY??

to Natasha: Yes…

to Bobbi: WTAF??  
to Bobbi: I thought you fucked at our house

to Natasha: We did. Then we went out for a drink, had sex in the bathroom, went to his place and had sex there. The details are fuzzy tho, so maybe we did other stuff  
to Natasha: Oh wow, judging from the photos on my phone we did a lot more.

to Bobbi: Like what?

to Natasha: I think we went to Hunter's place?

to Bobbi: Hunter, like the guy you tried to have sex with for three months? THAT Hunter?

to Natasha: I know, I really hate my life  
to Natasha: and I need new heels

to Bobbi: Go take a shower, I'll be home in 20 with croissants and Starbucks. We'll go shopping tomorrow

to Natasha: Thanks 

to Bobbi: Don't thank me, you know I'm gonna make you talk about Hunter


	12. Warm bathroom-sink water

to Wade: She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"

to Bob: so she doesn't wanna fuck u?

to Wade: I guess no :(

to Bob: awwwww, too bad  
to Bob: I swear, she was blind for real this time tho  
to Bob: maybe next time

to Wade: :((

to Bob: I swear buddy, i'll find the right woman for you

to Wade: Thank you

to Bob: ;)  
to Bob: don't forget to get me mexican


	13. Just eat his food

to Charles: What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food. 

to Raven: That's what you don't understand, HE HAS NO FOOD IN HIS SLUM OF AN APARTMENT  
to Raven: and we already had so much sex, I'm pretty sure my butt is going to be sore until next month  
to Raven: :)

to Charles: I DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR THAT!!!  
to Charles: But nicely done ;)

to Raven: Thank you  
to Raven: I don't know when I'll be home tho, so don't wait for me

to Charles: I invited Azazel over for Netflix & Chill anyway so even if that sex god of yours get bored and throw you out, you don't want to walk into the apartment

to Raven: I don't know what's in our water but we're on fire today

to Charles: Hell yeah


	14. Would bang a Republican

to Jemma : I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican 

to Skye: that bad, uh ?

to Jemma: he's too good looking and nice to be true  
to Jemma: and his name is Grant Ward, I'm 96% sure that's a Republican name  
to Jemma: also he gave me his full name…...

to Skye: is he, or one of his friend, wearing a Trump t-shirt?

to Jemma: don't think so  
to Jemma: this damn bar is actually too dark for me to see correctly  
to Jemma: doesn't matter now tho, he's getting us a uber  
to Jemma: i'll text you later to tell you how it goes

to Skye: may he have a nice penis and not be a Republican

to Jemma: Amen.


	15. Wine on the toilet

to Steve: Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.

to Sam: I know right ;)  
to Sam: ;) ;)  
to Sam: ;D

to Steve: I fucking hate you  
to Steve: tell me again why I prep-talked you into not ditching Tony when I could have tried to woo my way into his pants?

to Sam: he said his dick and him can't breathe without me, I doubt he'd have settled for anyone other than me  
to Sam: also his dick is even better than I remembered

to Steve: I really don't want to hear about your great billionaire sex life

to Sam: BOW CHICA WOWOW!

to Steve: GO TO HELL

to Sam: Come onnnnnnnnnnnnn don't be jealous, your time will come!

to Steve: I'm gonna drink the rest of that bottle of wine so you can now go fuck off

to Sam: trust me, a lot of fucking is going to take place in the next eight to fifteen hours ;)

to Steve: I really hate the fact that the only way I'm living a great sex life is through you  
to Steve: go, wild child, and make me proud

to Sam: :DDDDD


	16. 69 in the jacuzzi

to Pepper: Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever. 

to Tony: I have to say, I don't know how to take this  
to Tony: on the one hand, I'm happy for you, on the other hand we never had sex in the jacuzzi for the brief time we slept together.

to Pepper: you mean during that wild trip to Aruba and the following week-end?  
to Pepper: because I was drunk for half of it  
to Pepper: the sex in the jet what good tho, right?

to Tony: Very much, you should try that with Steve

to Pepper: Awwww, come on ! I'll find you a nice guy with a big dick Pep, do not worry

to Tony: Please, don't.  
to Tony: Last time you tried to set me up with someone, I almost ended up in jail

to Pepper: Not my fault Aldrich Killian is the only guy ever that needs to be stabbed with a stiletto to understand that a girl doesn't want to go on a date to him  
to Pepper: but I realize now that trying to set you up with him was a very bad idea

to Tony: Waoh. Is Steve's penis magical? Because you just admitted to being wrong

to Pepper: I DIDN'T said I was wrong…  
to Pepper: who the fuck am I kidding? HELL YEAH STEVE'S DICK IS MAGICAL!!!!  
to Pepper: AND I'M GONNA RIDE THAT TO FUCKING FAERI IF I HAVE TO  
to Pepper: Woop, he's awake, BJ time, I'll call you later

to Tony: Please, don't.


	17. Lesbian marriage in Estonia

to Mack: i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia

to Hunter: What the fuck are you talking about ?

to Mack: that girl i told you about  
to Mack: tall, blond, kinda scary, could probably kill me with just one hand  
to Mack: she's like an amazon  
to Mack: and i apparently want to marry her. in estonia  
to Mack: /lesbian/ marry her in estonia

to Hunter: You're not even a woman?  
to Hunter: And you seriously don't know where Estonia is?  
to Hunter: Wait. IT IS FOUR IN THE FUCKING MORNING????  
to Hunter: I'm going back to bed and gonna kill you in the morning, night

to Mack: mackkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk  
to Mack: mack wait!!!!!!!!  
to Mack: I wanna lesbian marry her, what do I do?????  
to Mack: mackkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!  
to Mack: she was with her booty call the only time I saw her, what does it mean????  
to Mack: do you think shed be down to have me as a fuck buddy?  
to Mack: do you think im hot enough for her?  
to Mack: ughhhhhhhh youre the worst friend ever  
to Mack: wait a fucking second, youre sleeping in the room right next to mine, why do I even bother with texting?

 

***

 

to Mack: hey, just wanted to say that im sorry for this morning, and that i paid the medical bill myself. turns out i didnt have one, but two twisted fingers.  
to Mack: anyway, i picked out your fav pastries on the way home  
to Mack: and again, sorry for accidentally breaking all of your furniture after you kicked me in the leg  
to Mack: i really need to know what i have to do to get her number tho, so will you help me?

to Hunter: Bring the pastries, we'll see.


	18. Young, horny and poor

to Miles: REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT. 

to Peter: I'm not sure that is such a good idea….

to Miles: I don't see how that NOT a good idea???

to Peter: Remember last time?  
to Peter: You had to get a restraining order

to Miles: Yeah but it was just Venom  
to Miles: that guy has been stalking me and trying to sell me drugs since I was in high school

to Peter: YOU STIL ACCEPTED THE ALCOHOL HE GAVE YOU

to Miles: I'm not sure you got it the first time around so let me repeat  
to Miles: We are young, HORNY and P O O R!  
to Miles: Vodka is expensive  
to Miles: I already told MJ I'm going anyway, so either you can join us or you stay home

to Peter: You really think I'll let you drink alone with MJ?  
to Peter: I swear… I'm the youngest AND the mother of the group anyway

to Miles: That's why we love you  
to Miles: And wear your white skinny jeans  
to Miles: People pay us more drink when you have that on

to Peter: Are you whoring me out for free drinks?

to Miles: In case you hadn't already realized, I whore everyone out for free drinks


	19. An oil painting of his ass

to Miles; I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go 

to Peter: Where the fuck are you?  
to Peter: and I told you accepting alcohol from everyone wasn't a good idea

to Miles: you dont seem to understand what is happening here  
to Miles: that guy looks like a fucking GQ COER  
to Miles: COVERR  
to Miles: HE HOT AS HELL  
to Miles: I WANNA HAVE HIS BABIES  
to Miles: CAUSE HE LOOK LIKE AN ANGEL  
to Miles: but like a sex angel  
to Miles: like a incubus or whatvs

to Peter: so, like a demon?

to Miles: YEAH. but like in the good way

to Peter: ???

to Miles: NVM WE LEAVING THAT DAMN CLUB TO BONE ON HIS COUCH  
to Miles: OR HIS CAR  
to Miles: OR EVEN ON THE FUCKING FLOOR OF THE FUCKING DIRTIEST TOILET EVER I DONT CARE HE SOOOOOOOOOO HOT

to Peter: YOU'RE AT A CLUB??????  
to Peter: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???

 

*10 missed calls from Miles*

 

to Peter: WEAR A CONDOM AND CALL ME ASAP BEFORE I CALL 911 AND DECLARE YOU MISSING  
to Peter: Fucker.


	20. Cowboy hat

to Jane: Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?

to Darcy: FINALLY  
to Darcy: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN????  
to Darcy: YOU'VE BEEN MISSING FOR THREE DAYS  
to Darcy: I WAS SO WORRIED!!!  
to Darcy: I WASN'T SURE IF CALLING THE POLICE WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO  
to Darcy: I AM SO HAPPY YOU'RE OKAY  
to Darcy: BUT NEVER DO THIS AGAIN  
to Darcy: DO YOU UNDERSTAND??????  
to Darcy: NEVER AGAIN!!!!

to Jane: Waoh chillax, just cause you were so drunk you passed out for three days doesn't mean it was the case for everyone.

to Darcy: WHAT????????????????

to Jane: We were at Thor's bday, you know, my Swedish penpal, and you drank some of his absinth I think  
to Jane: Anyway, long story short, I'm in Philly and I wanna know if you remember if the guy in the cowboy hat who I made out with was hot or not, because I just woke next to a guy that looks just like a musketeer and I wanna know if something is wrong with me or if it's the tequila shots fucking with my brain  
to Jane: Jane????????  
to Jane: Why aren't you answering?????  
to Jane: Come on Jane! Passing out because of too much alcohol happens even to the best of us  
to Jane: Also, can you lend me some money so I can come back? I have no idea where the fuck Thor is  
to Jane: JANEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


	21. Chasing women

to Bob: After tacos, we're chasing women.

to Wade: Not sure that's such a good idea :/

to Bob: why?

to Wade: Remember that woman you told me to never let come close to my dick?

to Bob: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT HAVE YOU DONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

to Wade: It's okay, we haven't done anything  
to Wade: She just tried to bite my dick off  
to Wade: And almost succeeded?  
to Wade: What I'm trying to say, is that my dick hurts so much, I've been sitting in my fridge for fifteen minutes

to Bob: ?????  
to Bob: want me to come over?

to Wade: Nah thats ok, I'll just cry myself to sleep for the rest of my life  
to Wade: and probably will never attempt to have sex, EVER

to Bob: :S  
to Bob: I told you she's fucking crazy and dangerous

to Wade: Yeah…  
to Wade: I shouldn't listen to my dick when it's telling me to go for it  
to Wade: especially after seeing how many stuffed animals she had in her bedroom

to Bob: I have the phone number of a very competent psychiatrist specialized in PTSD if you want

to Wade: Yes, please

to Bob: I just want you to know that I'll always be there for you buddy  
to Bob: no matter what

to Wade: do you mind bringing me tacos?

to Bob: on my way  
to Bob: I also have advil

to Wade: i love you bro you're the best

to Bob: i know


	22. At breakfast

to Miles: I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family. 

to Peter: You liar, you said he was a sex angel and you want his children  
to Peter: (glad to see you're alive btw)

to Miles: Alright, I do  
to Miles: and he's more of a SEX GOD than anything else  
to Miles: BUT I'M SITTING BETWEEN HIS SISTER AND HIS BROTHER IN LAW NOW!!!!  
to Miles: (oh, how marvelous it was)  
to Miles: (i'm gonna limp for days)  
to Miles: there's also this scary looking guy who keeps on chewing on his lucky charms like he's gonna kill me the second I blink  
to Miles: HOLY SHIT HE JUST WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN WEARING MY TSHIRT  
to Miles: HE SO MUCH MORE SEXIER AND HOTTER DURING THE DAY WHILE I'M ONLY HALF HUNGOVER  
to Miles: okay oka okay he just kissed me in front of everyone  
to Miles: what the fuck do I do?  
to Miles: HELP ME I'M HAVING A PANIC ATTAK RN

 

***

 

to Peter: Did the lucky charm guy kill you?

to Miles: nah, we drinked OJ and went back to his bedroom to fuck  
to Miles: don't worry about me  
to Miles: I think he wants my babies too :)

to Peter: Awwwww, you're so disgusting :)


	23. Astigmatism

to Jane: I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?

to Darcy: Please tell me you're not drinking, it's a Tuesday night

to Jane: So????  
to Jane: also, Loki's here  
to Jane: she's tryna climb Thor like a tree  
to Jane: that's kinda hot, kinda disgusting  
to Jane: you should come over, get drunk and french Thor  
to Jane: seriously, I'm pretty sure he's just waiting for that to happen

to Darcy: Go to bed…

to Jane: alright, I'll french Thor for you then

to Darcy: DON'T YOU DARE!

to Jane: AHA! I knew you liked him!!!  
to Jane: owwwwwwwwwww there are stippers!!!!  
to Jane: fuck, I love tuesdays!  
to Jane: lokis boobs look fuckin great  
to Jane: you should have come over  
to Jane; thor is getting naked  
to Jane: abzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!  
to Jane: looks great even wiz astigmatmsi


	24. Forgotten underwear

to Jemma: I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which. 

to Leo: But it is Sunday?

to Jemma: Is it?  
to Jemma: Well, that explains a lot I guess  
to Jemma: Like why no one is here except Hunter, passed out under my desk  
to Jemma: Wait, does that mean that I can go home ans sleep all day?

to Leo: How much did you drink last night, exactly ?

to Jemma: I didn't  
to Jemma: But I think I did drugs  
to Jemma: I'm not sure

to Leo: I'll tell Skye to never invite you again to one of her parties

to Jemma: Please doooooooooooooooooooon't!!!  
to Jemma: I had so much fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun  
to Jemma: Well, until I realised I don't know where my underwear are.


	25. Under the garage door

to Phil: His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed. 

to May: And what did he do??

to Phil: He asked me about my childhood.  
to Phil: Apparently, all of this had to do with my mother being too strict when I was younger.  
to Phil: Then I passed out next to the shower.  
to Phil: Long story short, I don't think we'll continue dating.

to May: Why not?  
to May: He's seen you at your worst, there nothing else you could do that'd make you look more pathetic than that so if he still wants to date you this morning, it probably means real love

to Phil: Do I have to remind you about Tahiti?

to May: You're probably right, you guys are totally over

to Phil: Yeah, but goods news is that we can finally stop feeling guilty after giving each other drunken lap dances.

to May: Let's get hammered tonight to celebrate

to Phil: Oh yeah.


	26. The Temple of Doom

to Pepper: He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.

to Sue: I told you leaving Namor to go back with Reed would only lead you to dump Reed again and pityfuck Victor.  
to Sue: But I wanna know what he means by “escaping a vagina”

to Pepper: That's the weirdest part : we didn't have sex  
to Pepper: We were just getting drunk, AT A BAR, and he started saying things like that  
to Pepper: I had to call the bartender so he could throw him out because all of his allegories about my vag were starting to freak me out  
to Pepper: Also, I'm back with Namor

to Sue: Hell yeah, I knew you couldn't resist his surfing ass!

to Pepper: More like his huge penis but yeah, you could say that  
to Pepper: Anyway, brb giving Reed the stuff he left at my place

to Sue: Outch  
to Sue: He's going to cry again, isn't he?

to Pepper: Yeah, probably  
to Pepper: Ben is live texting me his singing  
to Pepper: He abandoned Céline Dion forty minutes ago and is just laying on the bathroom floor, listening to Chasing Cars

to Sue: Jesus, he gotta stop with that Grey's Anatomy crap

to Pepper: I know right  
to Pepper: Anyway, I'll come by when I'm finished so we can drink and mock boys?

to Sue: Bring lime with you

to Pepper: ;)


	27. Want you more than burrito

to Peter: I want you more than I want a burrito.

to Wade: I'm not as filling.

to Peter: it's for me to judge ;)

to Wade: Seriously Wade, I don't wanna fuck you.

to Peter: so you want me to fuck you?

to Wade: Nooooo!  
to Wade: I have a main squeeze

to Peter: you mean an only squeeze ?  
to Peter: is it the blond guy that was with you tonight?  
to Peter: cause he left with the pink haired girl

to Wade: I know………

to Peter: Awwwwwww  
to Peter: do you want my magical dick and fingers to make you feel better?

to Wade: no but if you have CS and ice cream i'm down to hang out with you

to Peter: is chocolate brownie fudge okay?

to Wade: my fav :)  
to Wade: I'll be there in 15

to Peter: can't wait :D


	28. Bone it out

to Jemma: No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out. 

to Skye: That's what you get for fooling around with a Republican I guess

to Jemma: He made racist comments about Chinese people the other day.  
to Jemma: And I just kept staring at him, wondering what the hell was wrong with him for saying that TO MY FACE, but instead of catching up, he started to whine about his brother who's a senator or something  
to Jemma: I stopped listening and went on Tinder instead

to Skye: So are you still going to his place tomorrow?

to Jemma: I think?  
to Jemma: Gosh I'm so thirsty for the D… I'm fucking a Republican

to Skye: Well… at least he doesn't talk politics with you, right?

to Jemma: ARE YOU KIDDING  
to Jemma: Why do you think we have so much sex?  
to Jemma: Cause it's the only way to make him shut up

to Skye: Ugh, you disgust me.


	29. Finding out

to Johnny: Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is 

to Ben: I know who he is!!!  
to Ben: he's the hot brunet I boned a lot the other day

to Johnny: and the one you abandonned for Darla

to Ben: I panicked, i was drunk and she was the only person available to listen to me and not LAUGH at me

to Johnny: do you even remember the guy's name?

to Ben: …….  
to Ben: I was so drunk

to Johnny: you're lucky we got to meet him for breakfast

to Ben: WHAT????  
to Ben: DO YOU HAVE HIS NUMBER???

to Johnny: no, but his name is Peter  
to Johnny: that's all I got and i'm only telling you this because i'm tired of hearing you whine and cry about it  
to Johnny: now stalk him or whatever, just SHUT UP please


	30. Boners for books

to Charles: I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom. 

to Hank: Waoh! I never thought I'd see the day  
to Hank: Does this mean that, now that I'm actually in a serious relationship and you're the one having sex with strangers, that our roles are reversed?

to Charles: Oh my god…  
to Charles: I think so…  
to Charles: I'm the Charles now…  
to Charles: And you're the Hank…  
to Charles: Wait no, you're the Darwin. Being the Hank means that no one wants you

to Hank: Let's celebrate that tonight!

to Charles: I don't think I can

to Hank: Why?

to Charles: I'm taking the guy to a date

to Hank: Seriously?  
to Hank: We were wrong, you're totally not the Charles now. Raven is, you're still the Hank.

to Charles: :(  
to Charles: But he's cute. And he bought me a book

to Hank: As a way to get into your pants!!

to Charles: Who cares ? He BOUGHT me a BOOK! I'm the winner, I get sex and a free book

to Hank: Okay no, you're the Charles  
to Hank: I am so proud :')  
to Hank: Just don't forget to wear a condom!  
to Hank: And get as many books and orgasms out of him as you can

to Charles: You've got it!  
to Charles: I totally get it now

to Hank: Get what?

to Charles: Why you used to whore yourself for drinks and stuff

to Hank: I feel like I should be offended by this comment, but I'm weirdly feeling proud

to Charles: I wasn't expecting you to react differently

to Hank: :)


	31. Their shit together

to Steve: Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.

to Tony: Is it really that hard to put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher?

to Steve: I'm a billionaire, I'm pretty sure I pay someone to do that for me

to Tony: You're “pretty sure”???

to Steve: I don't cook and only eat at my house when you insist  
to Steve: Take out was invented for people like me so I'm making sure that I honor them

to Tony: That can't be right  
to Tony: When was the last time you actually cleaned something

to Steve: ????????????????????

to Tony: Tony, please, tell me you're kidding

to Steve: I don't have time to 'clean'  
to Steve: Between changing the world, dating the hottest guy on earth and pretending to pay attention when Pepper forces me into board meetings I barely have time to actually EAT my take out

to Tony: …  
to Tony: I'm coming to the penthouse tomorrow at 6pm and teaching you how to vacuum your own damn carpet

to Steve: I won't open the door

to Tony: Right

to Steve: I swear Steve, I won't let you in!  
to Steve: There's no way I'm vacuuming!  
to Steve: and don't ignore my texts!!!

 

***

 

to Steve: Okay, 6pm, I'll be waiting  
to Steve: and you better let me touch your dick once this madness is over or I swear I'm breaking up

to Tony: Don't worry about that :)


	32. House arrest

to Mack: my tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.

to Hunter: How is your life such a mess ?

to Mack: i seriously have no idea…

to Hunter: And weren't you trying to date Bobbi?

to Mack: i already told you, i was trying to woo her panties off  
to Mack: but tbh it's not working out, I think i'm too much of a loser  
to Mack: wait a sec, how come you call her 'bobbi'????

to Hunter: Fun story: we're actually colleagues now

to Mack: say what????  
to Mack: why the fuck do you have all the fucking luck?  
to Mack: i fucking hate you  
to Mack: do you think you could get me her number??

to Hunter: Sorry, but she'd probably kill me if I gave her number to some random guy

to Mack: BUT IM NOT SOME RANDOM GUY IM YOUR BRO AND YOUR ROOMATE

to Hunter: You just got a date with a woman who is on house arrest.

to Mack: okay i see your point.


	33. Goose

to Kate: She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick" 

to America: And you still dare make fun of me

to Kate: Hey! At least we didn't have sex in front of her dog

to America: It's just because you didn't have sex at all

to Kate: Whatever…  
to Kate: At least I have standards.  
to Kate: Btw, how is it going with that guy?

to America: We kinda broke up  
to America: The truth's that he didn't know we were dating… he called me “bro”…

to Kate: …

to America: and now he's trying to date this friend of his  
to America: she's like all those gorgeous ginger girls that you only see on TV or in porns  
to America: except that she's real, I actually met her

to Kate: I don't even know what to say

to America: Come on… I know you wanna tell me “I told you so”

to Kate: I do, but this is too pathetic for that  
to Kate: Want drinks instead ?

to America: Heck yes

to Kate: and if it makes you fell any better, you'll probably never have any dog see you naked anymore

to America: Yeah about that, I kinda stole his dog

to Kate: KATE!!!


	34. Cinnabon

to Wyatt: My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now

to Johnny: Does that mean you actually found your boyfriend?  
to Johnny: also: too much detail

to Wyatt: I did  
to Wyatt: he actually understood when I told him how sorry I was and that I wanted to marry him

to Johnny: Seriously?

to Wyatt: Yeah, I was pretty drunk but he was super high so I guess that made us even  
to Wyatt: Anyway, we're together together now  
to Wyatt: I even have his phone number

to Johnny: Waoh dude, you're almost functioning like a normal human being

to Wyatt: Ikr! That's what true lust does to a guy

to Johnny: Stop it or you're gonna make me cry

to Wyatt: when I tell you how many cinnamon rolls we had, you're gonna cry for real

to Johnny: I'm not sure I wanna know

to Wyatt: spoiler alert: it was more than 20  
to Wyatt: and we were having sex while eating them for the most part

to Johnny: You're disgusting… a true legend

to Wyatt: I kno ;)


	35. Ovulating at the beach

to Darcy: ...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating

to Loki: WHAT?????  
to Loki: Since when are you at the beach????  
to Loki: and are you talking about Thor?????  
to Loki: I really don't understand, are you guys related or not???

to Darcy: Ewwww of course we're not!  
to Darcy: We just know each other since we were born  
to Darcy: He's hotter than the Sun but I wouldn't bone him if he was my brother

to Loki: u sure? ;)

to Darcy: stfu

to Loki: anyway, you're at the beach?

to Darcy: yeah we're in FL, he wanted to “take a day or two off”  
to Darcy: I think he's homesick but doesn't want to tell anyone

to Loki: He missing Sweden so he went to Florida????  
to Loki: how does it remind him of Sweden?

to Darcy: I stopped trying to understand his logic pretty early  
to Darcy: Anyway, this is torture

to Loki: Can I have a pic? ;)

to Darcy: Just cause it's you  
to Darcy: but I swear if you show this to Jane I'm cutting your thumbs off  
to Darcy: [MMS received]

to Loki: WAOH OKAY I UNDERSTAND NOW WHAT YOU MEANT BY OVULATING  
to Loki: HOLY SHIT  
to Loki: HIS ABS LOOK BETTER THAN WHAT I REMEMBER

to Darcy: I know, right?  
to Darcy: Ah, some bitch with a fake tan is trying to flirt with him, I have to go

to Loki: Good luck fending off the thirsty girls  
to Loki: I'll be drooling over this pic instead of working if you need me


	36. Ab workout

to Sif: I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight. 

to Thor: Are you back in NYC? 

to Sif: How do you even know I was gone? 

to Thor: your snapchat, facebook, twitter and instagram   
to Thor: Also I arrived two days ago and you weren't at the airport to pick me up. 

to Sif: Shit   
to Sif: I'm sorry   
to Sif: But now that you mention it, I do remember hearing Loki say your name 

to Thor: it was probably to jinx me 

to Sif: Please, don't start again.   
to Sif: You both haven't seen each other in a long time, you both have changed, can you at least try to be her friend ?

to Thor: You're drunk doing an ab workout, I'm not listening to you 

 

to Sif: HEY!   
to Sif: anyway, my abs look so good rn, I'm gonna masturbate brb 

to Thor: don't forget to wash your hands once you're done !


	37. Drunk science

to Tony: Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes... 

to Bruce: That's explain why I don't remember anything that happened after we got pizza

to Tony: We got pizza???

to Bruce: Yeah, just after buying that lawnmower off of Ebay

to Tony: WHAT???  
to Tony: Why the fuck did we do that?  
to Tony: Neither of us have a garden!

to Bruce: Don't ask, the details are fuzzy and I'm pretty sure we mixed the tequila with some bad shit  
to Bruce: Oops, I think there's a pic of your dick on my phone

to Tony: ????????????????????!!

to Bruce: Nvmd that Steve's friend's dick  
to Bruce: I think  
to Bruce: actually I don't know who's dick that is

to Tony: Do you think I'm going to get fired?

to Bruce: Why would you?  
to Bruce: No one will know we got crazy drunk and got someone to show us their dick  
to Bruce: If only you knew all the crazy shit that happens when engineers get drunk  
to Bruce: one time I almost created a murder bot  
to Bruce: damn, i miss college

to Tony: oh fuck, I think I sent a pic of my dick to Betty  
to Tony: and Pepper  
to Tony: omg

to Bruce: Just texted Pep, the dick on my phone def isn't yours.

to Tony: Doesn't make me feel better :(


	38. The girl in line

to Darcy: The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?   
to Darcy: Nevermind, it's Sif  
to Darcy: that bitch.

to Loki: Do I wanna know?

to Darcy: She's Thor's “””BFF”””  
to Darcy: I hate her  
to Darcy: She put gum in my hair once

to Loki: Do you guys know each other since kindergarten too?

to Darcy: Yes, but she did this to my hair while we were both in COLLEGE  
to Darcy: I just spit on her shoes, i'll text you later

to Loki: WHAT?  
to Loki: Should I be worried?  
to Loki: I'm gonna call Thor, just to be safe  
to Loki: Okay I just called Thor and from what he told me about your history with that Sif I'm VERY WORRIED SO TEXT ME OR CALL ME ASAP  
to Loki: I hope you're not dead I was starting to like you :(


	39. Take me to court

to Steve: Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?

to Bucky: Yeah, but I thought they weren't actually pressing charges?

to Steve: Nope, those fuckers are obstinate  
to Steve: But according to my lawyer I have 50% chances of winning if I shave and not say a word

to Bucky: So you're screwed?

to Steve: I'm screwed  
to Steve: Good news is that if I go to prison, 

to Bucky: You forgot to write the end of that sentence

to Steve: I know, I'm trying to find good things about prison

to Bucky: Natasha said that American prisons will always be better than Russian ones  
to Bucky: Do I even wanna know?

to Steve: Don't you remember that one time we went to Russia and ended up in jail?

to Bucky: Weirdly no, I don't remember

to Steve: I think it was while you were in motherfucking IRAK after you JOINED THE ARMY WITHOUT TELLING ME

to Bucky: That'd explain why I don't recall it  
to Bucky: And don't pretend to be mad at me, you just told me that you went to JAIL IN FUCKING RUSSIAN WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH YOU BUCKY

to Steve: WE WERE TRYING TO SAVE A BEAR STEVE  
to Steve: A BEAR!!!!  
to Steve: IT WAS SO CUTE, AND THEY WERE BEING MEAN TO IT  
to Steve: so we kidnapped the bear and brought it to Germany, but the Russian police got us before we could cross too, then we went to jail  
to Steve: Don't ask me how we got out, Natasha handled it  
to Steve: Anyway, we're barred entry to Russia now

to Bucky: …

to Steve: so, sleepover and you take me to court tomorrow?

to Bucky: Of course  
to Bucky: But I'm never leaving you and Natasha alone together again

to Steve: as long as you never take any big decision about your life by yourself, okay


	40. Walk of shame watching dog

to Natasha: I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance. 

to Clint: You've GOT to stop having sex in front of your dog  
to Clint: Even Bucky thinks it's disturbing

to Natasha: what do you mean “even Bucky”? YOU TOLD HIM???

to Clint: Everyone knows, you realize that right?

to Natasha: NO I DIDNT KNOW  
to Natasha: WTAF?  
to Natasha: that's why Sam kept on laughing at me while I was sexting that girl from tinder  
to Natasha: omfg THAT'S WHY HE KEPT ON ASKING ME ABOUT LUCKY'S WEREABOUTS  
to Natasha: I hate you guys so much  
to Natasha: As if my dick bettraying me wasn't enough today…

to Clint: ;)


	41. Celebrated birthday

to Tony: I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.

to Pepper: I go to work ONE TIME and this is what happens?  
to Pepper: Btw Steve is still very freaked out by the fact we almost had a 3some

to Tony: We did??  
to Tony: I thought I had imagined that

to Pepper: Yeah, you started frenching him, then me, then your hand kinda disappeared under his shirt and for a while he seemed down for it, but then he really freaked out  
to Pepper: he actually thought I was going to dump him  
to Pepper: AS IF

to Tony: i'm pretty sure I should feel bad about it, but I'm mostly disappointed I don't remember doing any of it

to Pepper: Maybe another time

to Tony: Or maybe not.  
to Tony: I should probably call him and tell him that it's okay and it's not his fault

to Pepper: Probably  
to Pepper: but wait 20minutes, I think he wants to give me an apology bj  
to Pepper: actually make it a 40, we're gonna fuck

to Tony: only 40min?

to Pepper: we're in the limo, otherwise I wouldn't even be texting you


	42. Hungry eagle

to America: how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.

to Kate: so you're not back together with him

to America: oh no I am  
to America: at first I just wanted to give his dog back but then we slipped and his dick was inside m vagina  
to America: but it lasted all of 4 seconds and a half so really… it doesn't really count

to Kate: and now you're planning to murder his dog

to America: not murder. I'm planning to have his dog EATEN by an hungry eagle

to Kate: Whatvs, your life is still messier than mine

to America: If I were you I'd be nicer, I might have rent a hungry eagle for the weekend.

to Kate: omg  
to Kate: you rich people truly are unbelievable


	43. Great irresponsibility

to Miles: With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.

to Peter: Please tell me you're not on their roof again..

to Miles: okay i'm not saying anything

to Peter: . . . . .  
to Peter: What the fuck is wrong with you?  
to Peter: like, for real

to Miles: NOTHING!  
to Miles: and it's not like they don't know me!  
to Miles: Flash used to push me around everytime he saw me!  
to Miles: I'm pretty sure I'm also the guy that made him realized he liked guys since he used to give me bj after every football game during junior and senior year

to Peter: wHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I WANNA KNO ABOU IT?????!!

to Miles: You don't want me to tell you that I'm on their roof so I'm talking about something else

to Peter: Ugh, can't you fucking do anything else?  
to Peter: like ANYTHING, than being a weirdo??

to Miles: Oops his dad saw me I think he's getting a gun  
to Miles: brb

to Peter: if you get shot I am so not visiting you at the hospital


	44. Pet and ruffle while crying

to Darcy: The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems…  
to Darcy: And by lady I mean Loki

to Jane: ???  
to Jane: Are you guys finally friends?

to Darcy: No, but some guy named Fandral dropped her off next to me at the bar and I see no way out  
to Darcy: I don't even know how she can be so drunk, it's only 4pm

to Jane: Told you accepting a tinder date at a BAR was a bad idea  
to Jane: also I'm pretty sure Thor has a friend named Fandral

to Darcy: Thor's lucky he's so good looking because all his friends are VERY ANNOYING

to Jane: Hey! I'm his friend too

to Darcy: Exactly :)

to Jane: >:(  
to Jane: Anyway, what is Loki crying about?

to Darcy: No idea. She's been babbling about gum in her hair for ten minutes now

to Jane: Omg, what bar are you at, I'm coming!

to Darcy: the usual one, why?  
to Darcy: Darcy???  
to Darcy: I told Loki you're coming and she started to cry even more, WHAT THE HELL???

to Jane: I'm almost there don't piss your pants  
to Jane: I'm gonna tell you everything


End file.
